An Explanation, An Apology, The Future... Hiatus. (Patreon)

Hello everybody. I mentioned a few weeks back that my health had been interfering with my ability to work, but I didn't give much away. I've decided to be open with my patrons about what is going on and what it means for the future.

I have struggled with my mental health for a long time. Doctors, at various points in my life, have blamed anxiety and depression and prescribed medication and therapy, but it never seemed to really work and the problems never really seemed to go away. 

Last year I ended up homeless and after an unsuccessful attempt to get myself back into accommodation, ended up homeless a second time. I decided to travel about, work on an iPad in cafes or libraries and for a while I think I was the happiest I have ever been. However, a couple of months ago I once again found myself in accommodation. This time it all happened rather quickly during a manic episode (when I am particularly impressionable) and was overseen by people whose job it is to get people like me 'off the street' and into accommodation. At the time I was excited but the episode came to an end and I quickly nosedived into a deep depression. 

What happened next I'll spare you the details, but a friend of mine intervened and called the emergency services. They were not wrong to do so, and since then I have been in and out of meetings with response teams, nurses and most recently a psychiatric consultant. It turns out that I've had much more complex problems my whole life that had gone undetected, and the depression and anxiety I had been experiencing all these years was a symptom of those problems, rather than the problem itself. That is why medication and therapy hadn't worked. I had been treated as a neuro-typical patient when it turns out I am not. 

I am starting the potential minefield next week of finding suitable medication for someone of my particular needs, and will begin a long wait to get further help for those needs at their root. What I have is incurable but I have been told I can learn to live with it.

I'm sorry for the mysterious-yet-overshary post, but I felt it was important to tell you as much as possible because I have come to a decision. I will be putting my patreon on hiatus until I am well enough to produce work to a standard and quantity that justifies your patronage. At the moment I do not feel this is something I am able to do. 

I'm stuck renting a room so once I have had a few days to rest and recuperate, I will be opening for commissions again, as they will allow me to be more flexible about how and when I work, and how much I take on. 

I am taking a gamble here. I don't honestly know what the best thing is to do. But in my current situation, the pressure of having to be constantly producing and publishing content is not conducive to a healthy recovery, and the situation is about to become much more turbulent as I try and find medication that works for me. 

I can only apologise for the somewhat anticlimactic and depressing end to this chapter in my work as futobara.

Now it is time for me to focus on getting well, finding out things about myself and learning to cope with those things. In the short term I will probably return to deviant art and twitter. Once I'm well I may re-open my patreon in a limited capacity and build back up, rather than jumping in at the deep end, but for now, pretty much under doctors orders, I need to take a breather and focus on sorting out my head.

Thank you everyone for your support. This is definitely not the last you've seen of me, but I hope its the last you'll see of me unwell and unable to cope with life.

Cheers!

Futo

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