hi!! (Patreon)

hello all my dudes !

i hope you guys are all doing well! i was planning to take a few days off this month as i was planning to maybe go out of town for my birthday but i didn't end up doing that so i am still working on getting the patreon exclusive due recorded and posted.

 if you are okay with me being human for a second, then please keep on reading!

i'm going to be honest with y'all... i have been struggling with my mental health recently. a few days ago, i had a pretty big panic attack. if you have ever dealt with anxiety or panic attacks, then you know that sometimes it can take a little bit of a while for it to dissipate or to just sort of feel like a puzzle piece fitting back into it's place. before you ask- yes, i am doing okay now. it just got me in a funk so i needed a few days to just find my footing again, which then in turn made recording a little bit hard.

sometimes having two different stories to your life can be really overwhelming. a lot of the time, i have to tell myself that heartdamage and me irl are two different identities because when they get warped together, it can be really hard. sometimes it's hard not to take upvotes or patron goals or likes as a reflection of myself. as if when my work doesn't do well, it means i am in turn not talented and my work doesn't matter. the M i am outside of the internet knows none of this is true, but when i'm not in a good place mentally or emotionally, it can feel like heartdamage digs her claws in, telling me that all of this represents me as an individual outside the internet, in a very intimate and self destructive way.

i've been anxiously dreading my birthday. if you're reading this when i post it, my birthday is in 2 days. i currently have a lot of stuff going on in my personal life and i'm basically going to spend my birthday alone without friends and without my family. every year around my birthday, my brain starts to tear down all my accomplishments, as if the number that i am turning determines if my accomplishments are really accomplishments when in reality, age doesn't matter. or at least it shouldn't.

i'm really ranting right now but the point of all this is that i am still going to get back to posting. most of the time that audios get pushed back and i don't really update, it's probably because i had a panic attack or something is fried in my brain and i never want to post something i know i didn't try my best on. i genuinely want to record and post the best that i can for all of you because it is definitely not lost on me that i am incredibly blessed and fortunate to have you all enjoy what i do. 

last night, i was watching a cooking show and gordon ramsay told someone to start a piece of protein over because it wasn't cooked perfectly and he refused to serve it. a lot of the time this is how i feel about my audios. like, could i record a half assed audio so i can meet a deadline? absolutely. but i'm not really interested in half assing my work. i'm interested in presenting my best and that is fully what i intend to do every time i sit down to record.

so i hope you guys continue letting me do that.

-m