Thoughts (Patreon)

Hey y'all,

So I know it seems like I went completely MIA since the last time I wrote on here. I'm super sorry for that. I am still going to be uploading 3 audios before the end of the month and I appreciate you all being so patient with me.

My city, like so many of yours probably are, is under lockdown right now so nobody is allowed to leave their houses unless it's essential. I seriously don't want to whine or complain because I'm lucky enough that I haven't been affected by this virus first hand (knocking on so much wood that this doesn't change any time soon) but this last week has been super tough. 

I feel stupid that I was one of those people who thought "damn, that sucks" when I read the headlines coming out of China.
Then I read about Italy and I thought "wow that's so fucked up. this shit is serious."
Then it hit the US and I thought "ok this is really really fucked up but it's not in my state yet." Then it hit my state and then my city. Now we're on lockdown.

You see this type of shit in movies, you never expect we'll live through something like this and then it happens and it makes you question everything. I've been so incredibly anxious about this because although you all afford me the privilege of working from inside my house, completely secluded from other people, my mother is a grocery worker so she will be dealing with and facilitating this for so many people in our community. My brother has a compromised immune system due to having a transplant and being on immunosuppressants. My dad and stepmom are laid off of work.

Of course, this is nothing compared to what other people are dealing with in their communities. A lot of you are probably firsthand affected and I sound like a whiny bitch, and I can't be offended because you are right. I'm just scared. This last week has felt so lonely and all you can really do is watch the news and all they seem to report on is all the people with no "pre-existing conditions" who have died. They shine a spotlight on the athletes, the people who weren't at risk who lost their lives. And while I understand this is done for awareness, it does absolutely nothing for morale. It scares people and it scares me.

I make a lot of death jokes (an absurd amount, honestly) but the fact that this could literally take more people I love away from me is truly terrifying. Unfortunately the country I live in, the administration under which this country operates does not have people like me, from my community, in mind in any of this. They put billionaires above average Americans and it makes me sick to my stomach.

Yesterday, I couldn't make it out of my house. I couldn't even walk to get my mail because I was so terrified of everything. This isn't even about the virus anymore, it's about my anxiety and my anxiety tears open all the basement doors inside me where I've buried everything I don't want to deal with, those I keep under lock and key. Like my grandmother. I keep thinking to myself that I am relieved she died when she did because if she had to live through this, she would be driving herself crazy and then that brings back the feeling of knowing she's not here anymore. She's not on a trip in Mexico and she won't be back in a month. I still feel like my mind is incapable of making sense of the fact that she isn't here and it makes me feel like a failure and it makes me ashamed that I've let this unravel me because this isn't the person she raised me to be.

It's a process, my anxiety. It starts and then it opens up all the doors to all the demons I've kept locked up and then they seep to the surface and destroy everything. 

This past week has been hard and I want to take a moment and apologize to every single one of you because I never want to seem like I'm making excuses or like I'm unloading my shit on you all but you are the people literally keeping me together. Making audios and working on tier exclusives gives me something good to put out into the world and that is the best thing I have in my life. That is why I share my feelings with you. I think you all deserve an explanation every single time I feel like I'm failing.

I'm a grown ass woman and I should have all of my shit in order. My thoughts and my mental health should be together and sometimes everything scatters and I'm left in this daze. Yesterday, I slept for 17 hours. I'll get better, I promise and I will deliver on my word because I am too big to fail.

Also, my allergies are so fucked up right now. I went outside to take the trash out and my car had a yellow cast so I ran my finger over it and brought my finger up to my eyes to inspect what it was... It was fucking pollen. It's my enemy.

Anyway, I know these are trying times. I'm trying to get my shit together. I appreciate you all so so much. Making you cum is still my #1 priority and I will continue making it happen as long as you allow me the opportunity to.

New audio tomorrow. Let's fucking do this.

Also, tier exclusives are going out tomorrow!! I had an issue importing audios to my laptop and had to call iCloud over it. A nightmare.

I love you all. Take care of yourselves, please.

-M