The First Night in the Desert (Patreon)

I had so many epiphanies. There is something about altitude, thorns, high heat, cold nights, dust, sand, stars, rocks that allow the mind to move beyond time. I had so many epiphanies. As I have been moving out of New York, transitioning back to MA as a home base as I finish applications, archiving, editing, art, my mental space has been a mess. CHAOS. Existential anxiety. Eternal longing, desire, days filled with tears, screaming, self-hate, a little self-love and a few highs here and there to balance it all out. As I've been spending time in the cooling temperatures of NY, MA, VT here in the Northeast of America, as our seasons transition to cold, short days, long nights, I've been doing my best to stay sane. Feeling so hard this war on consciousness. Forever wondering why I'm alive. We are all just a speck of sand, dust in the wind. We are the earth. What is the earth? What is anything? I had the opportunity to fly to the Southwest of this country a few days ago to see a new dear friend and take photographs as a job for him. In my spare seconds here and there, I took self-portraits, in the dark, in the light, in the high desert, at night, during the day, in front of cacti and Joshua Trees. It is amazing what just getting out of your space of comfort does to the mind. It is the most beautiful reminder for what is time. An illusion. I've had so many realizations lately, during my meditations and existing in the desert air. My happy place. I'm going to put together another coffee table book after all... the third after 'delirium' and 'salvation'... this one will be called PSYCHOSIS and will be a compilation of all raw images and favorites from the past 1.5 to two years of shooting since salvation was published on 22-2-22... it will also include some slivers and archives from childhood, and collected words as always from my travels, friends, family, strangers..... famous speeches and quotes such as 'the truth is like a lion, you don't have to defend it, let it loose, it will defend itself.' (saint augustine)... and my favorite words from dinner with andre and from the greatest speech "... machine men with machine minds and machine hearts..."

Anyway, as I was taking these self-portraits a few days ago, I realized, or rather, I finally felt it in my body, the true visceral sense of embracing the chaos. I used to think or be ocd, thinking I needed to edit everything from the past in a chronological way, but no, I don't, I can do whatever the fuck I want. I work for myself, I make my own schedule. Time is of the essence. My most recent work, the most emotional, evocative best, its ok to edit and share that first, NOW. Its ok to do whatever I want in whatever order I'm called to because life is messy, time is an illusion. There is no such thing as chronological. I'm getting younger everyday. I've never felt more childlike. And as I'm reading in the new Rick Rubin book 'the creative act: a way of being,' "Artists who are able to continually create great works throughout their lives often manage to preserve these childlike qualities. Practicing a way of being that allows you to see the world through uncorrupted, innocent eyes can free you to act in concert with the universe's timetable... There's a time for certain ideas to arrive, and they find a way to express themselves through us." (p.11)

finally... i'm able to write, look, see breathe. I write and post this as my friend avi makes the most beautiful sounding music above me in a cabin high in the cold mountains of vermont. i finally have time... these images are just the first few from my trip to #joshuatree #pioneertown a few days ago... as always, so much more to come. thank you so much for being here with me

so. many. epiphanies...