Money for Sex (Patreon)

July 13, 2023

Today I was offered money for sex. This has happened before. This time it feels different. It feels real. It feels dark, out of the question, yet necessary. I really need money right now. I immediately felt and thought no, but I really thought about it, I’m still thinking about it. I’m really trying to trust my intuition and follow my heart. I know more than 100% is not the right choice for me, that being said, I am terrified. ‘The child inside is terrified, and so am I’ (some apropos long lost song lyrics). I do not know how I will pay for my rent this coming month. Just like selling art, finding a “normal” job doesn’t happen overnight, much less one that will allow me to maintain my mental health and sanity without having to go on medication‘s just to say stay sane in today’s outrageous, mundane, abusive work environments. It is very difficult to properly communicate my mind and my work. A lot of people seem to understand, but then I have days like this where I just feel completely astounded, unseen, or rather shocked at humanity, money, and the human mind, grappling with the eternal ‘why.’ I understand that people have needs, as this man says, and I understand that some women are OK with fulfilling male desires like this, however, I am just not OK doing this and I do not feel comfortable. It’s very confusing for people who look at my art because most humans associate nudity with sex. So I suppose when people see the freedom of expression portrayed through my images and art, the nude human body acting as a vehicle for communication, they assume that I want to have sex, or will have sex, or are willing to have sex. This is not the case. My work for many years, has been all about the innocence of the nude human form, and this is how I feel on the inside, normal, innocent, despite my life experiences that could be categorized as insane or inappropriate. Although I am in a phase is where I’m exploring sexuality within my work and personal life, attempting to heal past trauma, this does not mean that I want to or I’m willing to have sex with anybody except for someone who I’m in a relationship with. I am solely interested in healing past traumas in my personal life and understanding sexuality from a deeper physiological, psychological and artistic standpoint. I am praying so hard that by choosing to follow my heart my intuition making this choice essentially turning down between $100-300k per year (minimum) for a few hours of my time each week, that somehow the universe will present opportunities to acquire money in different ways. I am praying for a patron, an angel investor, anyone who truly sees what I am trying to do, my energy, and wants to support the purchasing of art materials I need, housing costs, and who wants to support my journey. I’m trying so hard to take this as a sign that money and opportunities around money are on the way. Ever since watching the movie the ‘sound of freedom’ the other night I’ve been doing a deep dive into the world of human trafficking and sex work. I’ve been listening to interviews and dissecting stories that people have regarding selling their bodies for money. It is fascinating and disheartening to realize the realities of this world. Money rules the world, men rule money, and sex rules men. Since explaining my early work with the prison system to my friend earlier today, revisiting my passion for documentary work, being reminded of my own experiences witnessing and experiencing sex work, I know that I want to help shed light on the realities of this world. What is sex? What is work? What is right? What is wrong?

Did I make the right choice? What would you have done?

What cross do you want the die on? … my friend so elegantly asked as I spoke with her about this, praying for an answer.