Modeling the day it all happened. And full story. (Patreon)

These photos were taken the day I met the guy whose presence in my life changed everything. It was really bad. Here is the story... at least a little more in detail... or at least as much as i could type.

On the same day these photos were taken, a full moon in Cali filled with magic, uneasy about a few things happening on my Only Fans page and a sex work opportunity that came up through a friend. At the same time I met someone who was very religious, conservative and had low self-esteem, and we entered into a relationship extremely quickly due to a series of serendipitous and VERY intense events. He was horrified when I told him I had onlyfans and due to my own insecurities and newfound feelings for that person my brain became completely sad, confused and self-conscious. I began feeling so much shame and self-hate. I ended up taking on his fear and internalizing it like it was my own. I came to realize the connotations that onlyfans has as a site and I got scared that everything he was saying was true... which was along the lines of that my OF and work was taking away from my art. Things got worse fast. He said he liked my art but wasn't comfortable with me being IN any of the photos or showing my body from the front (if i was still with him I wouldn't be allowed to share this photo series featured in this post for example). He said this all took away from my art. At the same time we were traveling to another country and while we were on the road a random low-vibe person on instagram with 120,000 followers made a video about me and accused me of being a child pornographer, only because he saw fine art images of nudist families on my website (due to the fact I am part of the nudist community and take family portraits for my fine art). He completely took everything out of context then told his followers i just deleted my OnlyFans (which I did due to the uneasy feelings with the new relationship) and insinuated that I had children on there and was selling the images. The timing of this all was insane and as you know completely untrue. Unfortunately so many of his followers and Americans are so uneducated and got tricked into believing his click-bait video that I had all of my accounts deleted for a month and I was getting death threats. Simultaneously my relationship was getting more abusive and controlling, I was in Costa Rica with no way out so i had to go along with everything in order to stay safe and keep the peace. Everytime I would mollify the situation with my words I would start to believe my own pacifying behavior. As I told him I loved him, which I. truly did, I started to ignore my own feelings, fear and intuition more and more. Also, he found porn sites where people stole my videos from vimeo (and I'm praying not onlyfans) and have been selling them on low level, disgusting porn sites. I was horrified. If I found this out on my own i would be sad but being with this guy amplified all of the pain and sadness by a million times so i became suicidal in the end. At the same time my website was somehow taken down, which made no sense to me at all. Simultaneously my last and main form of income with nudism.tv was taken away as this crazy guy on instagram started accusing them of the same things, taking prior lawsuits from years ago that were completely false accusations and sharing it with his followers. My last form of income was my vimeo and patreon  but the guy i was with was asking me to take everything down online that had me in it so i started deleting everything. I escaped the relationship a month later after so much mental anguish and so much more drama. I have my vimeo on demand page back up https://vimeo.com/elsamariekeefe/vod_pages and this page (patreon) but its not nearly enough to cover my rent, utilities, food, car payment and insurance each month, let alone have money to invest in art materials to make my actual art and have money to apply to gallery shows and portfolio reviews to sell my work (which is the ultimate goal). Thank you so much for your kindness and support. If any of you have the means to donate at the highest tier here and or donate to my life / art as a true patron, feel free to email me elsamariekeefe@gmail.com and send any amount of money via zelle, venmo, paypall, or cashapp. I'm really struggling. I don't want to give up on my art but i feel so beaten down right now. 

photos by ethan snacks