Guided Meditation for Wellness and Satisfaction (Patreon)

Maybe you shouldn't have accepted a meditation tape from your weird, witchy neighbour. The one with all the candles and masks in her house, who you saw one night praying at the statue of a huge squid-headed being in her backyard, only for it to be gone the next day. You know, you heard her masturbating once, you were about to shyly ask her to quiet down, but you heard her moan out 'Yes, my dark mistress, let me succumb to you! Drink my mind! Make me your laughing servant!' and you were so confused you lost your train of thought entirely.

But she knew you were so stressed, and she saw you at yoga class, so the gift was really so thoughtful! The weird gold runes on the tape's side were a little odd and it didn't seem to actually have... any reel in it... but you trust her, she lent you fresh sheets after that flood ruined all your good linen, and the weird, intense sexual dreams you had for the next month were probably a coincidence.

Remember when that power outage happened and she invited you over? That nice red wine was excellent, you have to ask her what vintage it was. Maybe your game of Truth or Dare got a little risque, with you admitting your huge fantasy for being tickled and overwhelmed by a cruel, playful, inescapable tickler, but she took it gracefully with a laugh and a poke to your side. What a free thinker!

Yeah, now that you think about it, taking that tape was a great idea. Why would you turn down a gift from your trusted neighbour - no, your trusted friend! She's always looking out for you. You definitely have to show her your appreciation next time you see her. But for now, it's time to relax, and surrender your mind to a nice, calm meditaton session.

So pop in that tape, sit in a nice relaxed lotus pose, and take a few niiiiice deep breaths...