this isn’t it. (Patreon)

this isn’t it.

the drinking.

it’s just not.

i know this.

and then i go for another bottle.

i said 27 would be my year of sobriety

and then i drank.

but can i try again?

of course i can. i can always try again.

but can i?

i can’t with gideon.

but i can for myself.

and for every other person i love.

it feels like i’m getting it wrong with every one.

and every time i drink.

or take an edible.

i think,

this isn’t it.

i’m not who i want to be.

i’m not doing what i want to do.

and i know. the closest thing that has felt like “it” for me, has been meditation. breathwork. presence.

but

i fall asleep

anxious

at 3

i wake up and it’s 6.

self consciousness

self sabotage

self hate

self neglect.

my eyes tired and aching

the feeling that no one will love me like i want to be loved.

the comparison.

the sadness.

will anyone else love nalcoah like i do?

i want them to.

i want everyone to.

whenever anyone interacts with her

i want them to care about her like i do.

so hurt when i know and see that they don’t.

she’s just a little human.

we’re all just little humans.

humans who have been hurt

humans who are healing

or humans that have been hurt

and to heal would be too much pain all over again.

to heal would take work,

not just your own

but collective

community

work and healing.

there has to be a way.

i think,

there just has to.

because this world can’t be lived in like this.

because this world is too sad for me to cope with another day,

another year,

with the idea that no one loves nalcoah like i do.

but if i want you all to love nalcoah like i do,

i need to love you like i love her.

all of you.

every one of you.

and do i?

i don’t think so.

but i think i am getting closer.

the ones who hurt me the most.

the ones i am the most scared of.

the ones who take everything for themselves.

can i love you like i love my daughter?

is it possible to do that?

or would that amount of love

actually cause

and insurmountable

pain.

pain that actually would be unbearable to live with.

i already think this pain of loving is too big sometimes.

but then also,

the love,

and the pain

is what drives me to find a better way to survive.

the love and the pain,

it’s...

it starts with me.

turn it into

self grace.

self patience.

i am healing.

i am healing.

i am healing.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i am home.

i am home.

i am home.

in my body.

i am cared for.

i am seen.

i am... i just am.

i am here.