LORE STORY - Bon's Bestseller (Part 1) (Patreon)

Dear loving readers

When you're reading this I'll be ruling the world.

My agent—er, Tubby—suggested I write a book. That’s right! Me, Bon, leader of the me fearsome gang in Panty’s Landing, sit down at a desk and tap away like some sorta nerd. I was originally against it. After all, I hate all of you. But books fly off the shelf like hotcakes and chicks dig dudes on the bestseller lists.

What will this be about? Everything. The good. The bad. The ugly(talking about you, Tubs). Running a gang’s hard fucking work, okay? I’ve gotta sit here in my million dollar office and smoke as much weed as I can before the slackers show up. Sometimes I get headaches, y’know? But everyone’s so friggin’ inconsiderate. And the snakes still haven’t made me a robot I can fuck without it going psycho and trying to kill me!

(Fucking Griswold you fucking asshole I hate u I hate u I hate u and you stink did you know that u stink I definitely never loved u and definitely don’t hug my pillow at night wishing to feel your warm well kinda cold ‘cuz the robot thing embrace I love u hate u)

Tubby’s Notes: Uh…Cut this…Uh…Rambling…?

Anyway, I’m gonna just write random shit then pay someone to do the easy work. You know, making the words sound good? I’d do it myself but I’m busy! I’ve got a date tonight with my hand and the thought of plowing Tubs’ wife so, unlike her, Imma just spit this all out.

Tubby’s Notes: Please remove this so my wife doesn’t divorce me!

This first story’s simple as hell, but it’s important. If things had gone another way, I wouldn’t be writing this book, or ruling you, and you’d probably be happy or some lame shit like that. Imma tell you ‘bout how the Panty Mafia, formerly the Stuffed Mafia, came about.

Me, my bro, and all the other stuffed animals were made in the sewers by this creep named Daring Derek. Dude was a loser, so we eventually revolted, and after reaching the surface, we found something awesome—an orphanage. It was run by the sweetest old bat you’d ever seen. The kinda gal who’d bring you cookies and milk and tuck you in before bed no matter how friggin’ old you were. She’d spent her whole life helping others, and when we found her, she was alone.

And she owed money to bad people.

For a while, things were paradise.

Then those bad people decided to torch the place. She didn’t make it.

We were created by someone who despised us only to be spit into a world that despised everything.

Quick version? We hunted down the gang and got our revenge. The nitty-gritty? We slaughtered every member, burned every building, and totally committed ourselves to Panty Landing’s way of life. If you wanna survive here you’ve gotta kill, steal, and always watch your back. We didn’t just wanna survive, we wanted to be the fuckin’ best!

With nowhere to go, we rebuilt that orphanage and decided to form our own gang. If we stuck together, nobody could screw us over. Granted, I could have easily left and been just fine on my own. But Kern, my bro? He was all like: brother, please stay. I’ve got the smallest pecker in the land and I need someone to defend me!

Tubby’s Notes: Huh. My wife said the same thing about mine. I’ve gotta go tell her that she’s wrong! Ha!

So I stayed on the condition that I was made leader with my bro as my VP, and everyone was okay with this except a few jerkoffs who said us “tiny little teddies” couldn’t handle running a gang.

Tubby’s Notes: They actually called you “tiny little titties.” Remember, afterwards you wanted to get breast implants? I’d correct this.

These jerkoffs were headed by G.Raff—a giraffe whose pea-sized brain told him that challenging us was a smart idea. See, the dude’s got a bit of a complex. He’s the tallest stuffed animal so he thinks he’s the best stuffed animal. I was ready to fight him when Kern stared deep into my eyes and bowed his head before me.

“Allow me to prove myself, thine brother! You cannot risk death here! You’re too important.”

You all know me—by the time this comes out there will be statues of me on every street corner—and so you know I didn’t wanna settle for that! I wanted to fight! But Kern insisted, and in hindsight with all the trouble that fucker’s caused me? It would’ve been best if he’d won then died from his injuries. Shit, that would’ve made for a dramatic chapter, huh? Then I could have made up some shit about how I was the one who beat G.Raffe.

But I’m too honest for that.

Anyway, every stuffed animal around me began weeping at the thought of missing a legendary Bon fight. Thankfully Kern did one thing right with his life, handling G.Raffe with ease. Bop, bop! Two punches, one to each nut, were all it took to get that stupid loser curled up in a ball on the ground crying! Everyone cheered, everyone chanted our names, and thus the Stuffed Mafia was born.

You know, Tubs, I think I’m getting the hang of this! Who knew writing was so easy? I guess this is just another thing I’m a goddamn natural at.

Next chapter I’ll talk about how much ass I kicked in those early days, squashing wannabe gangsters left and right, so you’d better fucking read it!

Until next time, dear subservient readers.