Suede Of The Union 29/05/20 - Oh Dear (Patreon)

I'm so sorry.

Those of you who follow my twitter already know what's up, but for those weirdos who don't (and as a recap for those weirdos who do - we're all weirdos, is what I'm affectionately saying), I had the misfortune of having a bit of a depressive episode this month.

Of course, clinical depression may strike at any time regardless of any kind of trigger (or lack thereof) but in this case it was after discovering that Seth would be staying home the majority of the week due to the schools in the area not being able to deal with his ASD and ADHD, even with full teacher aide funding. As someone with autism I need time to myself, to clear my head and reduce the noise that builds up in it. With Seth, who's wonderful and awesome but very demanding, it's become a full time job during the day while Leo has a fantastic new job as a librarian and scrambling to unscramble my thoughts at night, without any time to set aside for scripting.

Now, normally I'm able to sort it out, it can get crunchy but I'm able to push through, heck last month I was even able to get done early, but this month is the month my meds just decided to... stop. That's the working theory from the doctor anyway, I've just been on them for so long my body's become used to them and it's as if they aren't being taken anymore. I'm currently weaning off them so we can try something else, the spectre of depression rises, and I suddenly just... don't see what other people see.

I get in cycles I can't break out of, where I want to make videos, freeze up due to anxiety, beat myself up for not being able to do something I know I can do and do well, remind myself that there are literally thousands of people who understand and care about my well-being, then I'm inspired to try again, make it work, I freeze up again, go to 1. Then I get to the end of the month with nothing done, even in terms of getting the videos out on youtube, a literal 10 minute process, and it just leads to not wanting to exist anymore. I see my potential, I see myself squander it, and to be honest I quite often feel I don't deserve what little I have.

Now, I AM SAFE. I am not in any danger of drastic self harm, so please don't panic. It's a cruel irony that I actually have so little self esteem that I often feel like I don't deserve to end it, which is a bizarre saving grace of all this. It'd be funny if not for... well, you know.

I guess what I want you all to know most of all, is that I tried this month. Even though I'm most likely going to have to release 4 Let's Plays of Monster Crown, I wanted to do scripts this month. I wanted to make videos. I tried so hard.

I tried knowing that even scripts I don't like turn out fine and occasionally, bizarrely, turn into fan favorites. Every day was mental exercise, trying to will myself to do something I know I can do, but unable to handle one more excuse to beat myself up on top of being an inadequate father and an unsupportive spouse despite everyone, including my own inner voice, insisting that it wasn't the case. Then when I didn't achieve it, it became another excuse anyway. 

The most annoying part of it all is that I feel like I've lost my sense of identity. I know that sounds laughable when I'm literally a brand, but it feels more and more like a mask. I do love pokemon and making fun of it and giving opinions and trivia on it, but due to the depression it feels more like something I'm projecting. I feel like a living catalyst, like I don't exist outside of how I affect others. I know it's just a chemical imbalance but it's still scary not to know who you are anymore. 

Hopefully a fresh start next month and a less confused chemistry cocktail in my brain will mean things will return to somewhat normal. Thanks for your amazing patience and I'll keep trying new things until something clicks, no matter what.

IMPORTANT NOTE: When the LPs come up DO NOT THINK I'm putting up a facade to mask the pain of how I'm really feeling. Depression is complicated, and in the moment you can still genuinely enjoy things, which I'm sure I will. So please don't think I'm holding up a smiley face in those videos, they are still really me. Thanks.