Suede Of The Union 23/02/2020 (Patreon)

This is tricky for me to write, but I also don't want to do one of those annoyingly long preambles internet people tend to do when making important updates, so here it is as blunt as possible.

My ASD-based inability to take compliments is and has been affecting my ability to produce content.

It seems kind of bizarre seeing it written down like that, but it's true: Every week I try to get an episode ready for Youtube, the only thing missing being the patron lists. But almost without fail I freeze up and have to pull an unhealthy all-nighter, for a twenty-minute job.

It should be super easy as Jess even gets them all set up for me to record over, but I freeze and choke. What's even more annoying is that after I break through the heavy barrier I'm fine again, the recording is pretty fun and there's a great sense of achievement. But my brain doesn't care.

For the longest time I had no idea why, especially since it's weirdly gotten harder to do over the course of more than 100 episodes, but recently I was able to reach a realization. Like my  near-inability to look people in the eye, I feel super awkward and somewhat intimately violated from being complimented. So when I see names of people who have contributed so much money over the years, it triggers that same primal response.

Part of this stems from my often rock-bottom self-esteem, feeling like you guys wasted money on such a frivolous endeavor as my videos, but I can overcome that pretty easy through simple logic. But the truth is the real problem defies logic: My brain just hates attention while simultaneously seeking validation. This in itself is a normal human paradox, but when augmented by ASD it can become crippling and self-defeating.

I was able to do it much easier for earlier episodes due to the small group of people and the relatively low amount of money involved, but now, although I'm making enough money to support my family which is AMAZING, it hurts so much that I struggle to give you guys what you deserve, which exacerbates the problem. This is also why I don't respond to comments as much as I used to.

I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to move from here (suggestions would be appreciated) but I want to always be as transparent as possible with you guys. Thanks for being so patient with me and the rough videos will still be going up as usual. You should get a new one tonight!

Thanks again for listening,

Suede