Population Regressed!? (Patreon)

Recovered Transcript from Incident #848

-This is Channel 5 coming to you with a breaking news report. We go now to Jessania Collins with the scoop.

-Thank you Bob. Reports coming in tonight describe a strange phenomenon taking place all over the world. Multiple countries are reporting cases of a world gone mad as cases of grown men and women dropping to the ground and crawling, babbling, and drooling like infants grow exponentially.

-The process starts simply enough with people seemingly losing mental capacity first. Throwing tantrums at people they talk to, sucking their thumb, descending into "baby talk", and crying at the slightest bit of discomfort. What seems to separate this from some sort of virus is what several scientists have observed a consistent shifting of matter in each case

-The clothes of those infected seem to shift, with most of their mass traveling downward to form massive diapers around their waists. When this reporter says massive I don’t just mean diapers meant for an adult. I mean it looks like 3 pillows have been shoved between their legs and held firm by a plastic shell.

-The next stages include the mass consumption of whatever these newly-diapered individuals can get their hands on. Some of our more squeamish viewers may want to turn their T.V. off now as we are about to get slightly graphic. This mass consumption leads to massive bowel movements that seemingly leave the newly formed diapers sagging to the ground, filled to the brim. Long-term affliction seems to build up constant “baby weight” as they eat, leaving them significantly chubbier than before as well.

-According to data provided to this station, the phenomenon has spread through the population of multiple countries over the course of several days. Tracing reveals that the events likely started in the United Kingdom, as the country now has the highest recorded number of people who scientists are calling “adult babies” roaming the streets.

-Specialists in Canada have deduced that whatever this is, it’s seemingly caused by the actual smell emanating from regressed individuals. This makes the situation extremely dire as, according to projections, one regressed individual can “infect” a whole crowd in a matter of 5 minutes.

-Various nations are dealing with this issue with varying success. Canada, having figured out the scent factor of the affliction, has rounded up regressed individuals and set up nurseries for them to study the situation, with every researcher fitted with a breathing apparatus so that they don’t regress themselves. Russia has had a harder time dealing with the spread, choosing instead to block off sections of cities and leave them to roving packs of these regressed individuals. Japan meanwhile has set up specific towns for the regressed individuals, with robotic caretakers attending to their needs.

*sniff*

-Here in the U.S. sporadic cases have been popping up all over, seemingly branching out from the Pawsifac Nawthwhast.

-Oh nuw whu hawppunun?

-Waht? Why you wit the camawa stinky?

-Oh noooo I gotta… I gotta… potty…

-My clothes, thewe’s a DIAPEE…

*BLLLLLLLLORRRRRRRRTTTTTTTT*

(SORRY, WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES)